Wednesday, January 5, 2011

My First Fanfic

(inspired by JohnSu)

Patrick Kane ran very quickly down the tunnel to where the flaming fire was coming from. While running, he jumped into the air and did a Power Ranger-like somersault so he could dodge the fire lasers.

At the top of the 200-level, he stood up and shouted at the top of the 200-level, "MURDERSAURUS!" The man with long arms turned slowly and with a flash of his skates removed Patrick Kane's nipples from his bare chest.

"OW THAT HURTS," Patrick Kane cried as he derped. "I will need the power of the Playoff Mullet for this opponent!" and he raised a bottle of Jack Daniel's and began drinking. His nipples were still bleeding.

Suddenly, a light emerged from the bottle of Jack Daniel's and summoned all of the Legendary Pokemon in the world together, and they fused together into a Yu-Gi-Oh! monster called Epic Seven-Headed Dragon That Is Also Invincible and shot a giant hockey puck at MURDERSAURUS.

MURDERSAURUS' hefty laugh bounced it back, and it hit the Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Oh! thing in the face, causing him to step on No-Nipples Patrick Kane. "Oh shit, this is bad," said Patrick Kane. "We might need to call upon that person, Yu-Gi-Oh!/Pokemon thing!"

"Yes," the monster agreed, and it used its 7 physic dragon balls to make a wish. "SEND US THE GINGER ONE!" As MURDERSAURUS slowly descended to finish them off.

Just then, a light appeared. It was a bright light, one much like heaven might look like. The Ginger One named Mel descended from the moon on rocket powered moon shoes with an attractive hockey player on each arm. When she landed, there was a chorus of angels and the universe serenaded her with an epic fanfare that could rival that of Americans. She then brushed her hair back dramatically and said, "'Sup."

"Who are you" said MURDERSAURUS and he threw a ninja star at the speed of light at The Ginger One. The Ginger One turned and winked at the star, and the bright light and pure awesome radiating from her freckles instantly dissolved it into normal household dust. She then coughed, as she is an asthmatic.

"Pretty good," said MURDERSAURUS. "But you are not going to win." He then transformed into Super Saiyan 4 Ninja Turtle MURDERSAURUS. "Take this!" he screamed as he flew towards The Ginger One named Mel. Mel flexed a single muscle, generating an amazing WOMANWAVE of awesome gingerness that overpowered Super MURDERSAURUS and sent him flying into space, forever frozen in defeat.

"Thank you for saving the planet," said the mayor of Earth. "You are so strong and confident and cool."

"I know," The Ginger One replied and jumped back to the moon with her moon shoes after bringing Abraham Lincoln back from the dead.

Staples Center Adventures

Welp, I was in Los Angeles with my friends Becky, Sam, and CK for three days, and let me tell you, it was pretty fucking swell. I can honestly tell you that Monday was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE for several reasons.

We go into Staples Center, which is a beautiful place, and we go down by the tunnell so we can be like YEAH HAWKS YEAH when they come out for pre-game warm-ups and all, and we run into this guy in a Burish jersey and his dad (I think). He was from Chicago and was visiting for the Ducks and Kings games, and he had Burish and Burish’s mom’s autographs on his jersey. Epic win, right?

So, we’re waiting and waiting, when suddenly Burish jersey man says, “Hey, is that Duncs?” So everyone crowds around and looks down the tunnel and we suspect either Kaner or Duncs was having his pre-game stretches done RIGHT THERE. Tazer passed by wearing a hood, too, and people yelled “HEY JONNY!” and such. It was great.

The guys came out and high-fived everyone with their hands out sans a select few (*COUGH*KOPECKY*COUGH*) but it was awesome. I told Turco that I supported him and he gave me a brofist with his blocker. It was epic win, my friends.

So we took our seats that weren’t actually behind the bench after all, but were on the other side of the tunnel from where we were to begin with (which is 100% fine because I liked it better there anyway). There were THE MOST OBNOXIOUS KINGS FANS EVER in the very front row that kept POUNDING on the glass each time someone skated by, or if Bickell would hit someone, and it got so fucking annoying that Turco, who was sitting behind the glass right next to them, kept side-eyeing and glaring at them each time they did it. Turco’s bitch face is amazing, just so you know.

So, the whole Staples Center was all “HAWKS SUCK” so I shouted “KINGS SUCK” instead because lol I’m a Blackhawks fan, right? So they old lady in front GLARED at me while I did that and for the whole rest of the game, she kept trying to outyell me. I’d shout, “LET’S GO HAWKS!” and she’d yell “GO KINGS GO” and “GET THE PUUUUCK” or “HIT THAT BIG GUY!” So if you see us making fun of her on Twitter and crap, yeah. It was hilarious.

The funniest thing, though, was that Sam said that Dave Bolland kept eyeballing her. She said they were becoming best friends through staring contests. Kings fans in the crowd also did not like Doughty. They were yelling at him a lot, saying, “DO SOMETHING DOUGHTY” and “PULL YOUR FUCKING WEIGHT, DOUGHTY.” It was ridiculously hilarious. I made a sign in the third period that said “Don’t Hassle the Hoss” because they had crap to make a sign, so I did.

Oh, there was a guy in a Red Wings jacket who was a lot nicer than the stupid Kings fans in the very front. LOLOLOL ~IRONY~

I actually found some pictures from the Kings/Blackhawks gallery that have us in them:

So anyway, we won and shit, and we were high-fiving all of the Hawks fans on our way out because Hawks fans are amazing, and we were on our way out. So, we were waiting and waiting, Sam and Becky were getting nervous because they weren’t sure if it was going to happen again, (there was literally the 4 of us and like… ONE other family which was the one that was there the last time Sam and Becky met players), and much to everyone’s surprise, HERE COMES VIKTOR STALBERG.

He was a nice guy, but I think he might be a kleptomaniac as he tried to steal my sharpie. He seemed kind of terrified when people started mobbing toward him, but he was really nice and signed things for everyone before he left, confused.

The next ones out were MURDERSAURUS, Hendry, and Bryan Bickell. No one wanted Bickell’s autograph except for me. Poor Pickles. I got an amazing picture with John Scott that shows how fucking tall he really is:

Please Note: I am 5’5, maybe 5’6. Yeah. Anyway, MURDERSAURUS is the sweetest guy ever. He took pictures with everyone and bent down for Sam’s because she was too short. It was amazing.

Seabs, Hjalmarsson, and Soupy came out, too, but they just said hi. They didn’t stop to sign anything, which is a-ok. Duncs came out and signed for a few people and then took off with Seabs and Soupy.
Turco came out and took some quick pictures with some people, including Becky because she LOOVES him. Marty Turco + little kids = EXPLODING OVARIES. I don’t even fucking care. He was cleaned up and looked really nice, too. He’s only an inch taller than Kaner, though, so.

Sharpy signed for everyone (holy fuck that man in person <333), Bolland signed for everyone and was a srs derp as usual, and then Hossa and Kopecky came out. They were both really nice and signed things for everyone, and I got myself a picture with Hossa. He actually looks… incredibly derpy.

Not that I look any better, but… LOL. My friend CK’s picture with him is the derpiest thing ever. It’s hilarious. I’ll have to post it later. I accidentally tripped over Hossa, though, because I was trying to move out of the way for Kopecky to sign things (he stole my sharpie, too… those Europeans), but I accidentally stepped on Hossa’s foot and almost fell over. I apologized profusely. Ugh. My derp moment of the trip. Hossa was taking his time signing until Kopecky started yelling at him in Slovak. Then he says in his awesome accent, “Sorry guys, I haff to go.”

Coach Q came out, and I had him sign my jersey, and he’s a REALLY nice guy, too. The rest of the team took a bus to their hotel right across the street, probably with their moms.

All in all, it was probably the best day ever. Might as well end the world now. COME AT ME, 2012. But seriously, if you guys ever get the chance to meet the players and sit in the 100-level, DO IT.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I've Got a Theory

By now, I'm sure lots of Blackhawks fans are wondering the same question. 'Why the hell does the defense not want to play when Marty Turco is in the net?' A few fans actually decide to blame Turco himself for the losses when it's CLEARLY not his fault at all. Sure, Turco's goaltending style is unorthodox, but if he's making the saves, his style of goaltending shouldn't matter, right?

First of all, I think it was hard for the Hawks at the beginning of the season dealing with two goaltenders with completely different styles. They pretty much switched goalies every other game, and I can't imagine it would be easy to adjust to. Corey Crawford's style of goaltending is much like Antti Niemi's, while Turco's is a bit... out there.

The fact that Marty Turco likes to play the puck more leads me to believe that the Blackhawks defense feel as though they can slack off a bit and treat him more like a defenseman or forward than a goaltender. I'm sure it's an extremely hard style to meld to since Turco's one of the few goalies in the league that really does play the puck constantly (and constantly accidentally passes it to the opposing team's players).

Turco's let in some bad goals, sure, but what goaltender hasn't? Crawford was lacking at the beginning of the season, but no one seems to remember the game Niklas Hjalmarsson got his suspension.

The team melds with Corey's style of play the same way they did with Niemi's, and leave Turco out to dry much like they did with Cristobal Huet last season.

Why don't the Blackhawks want to play defense with experienced goaltenders? It could be the fact that the goaltenders are experienced, which makes them slack off. The inexperience could also make them want to play harder in front of Crawford.

Whatever the case may be, allowing 43 shots to get to your goaltender is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable, especially when your offense isn't shooting the puck. When the opposing team has nearly twice as many shots on goal as your offense, you might want to start kicking some asses (if you were Coach Q, of course).

Now, admittedly, the lack of heart last night could have had something to do with the injuries that occurred. I didn't get to see the game, so I can't say 100%, but I can imagine that your captain being injured would weaken your morale. Thank god for Turco making 40 saves last night and working his ass off while the rest of the team skated in lala land.

It in no way makes Marty Turco a "horrible goaltender" when his defense isn't helping him out. Hockey is a team sport. If the defense plays badly, it reflects on the goaltender either positively (as it did with Quick and the Kings when he faced 50-something shots and blocked them all) or negatively. A goaltender can't be expected to do ALL of the work.

You can make all the excuses you want, but when it comes down to it, shitting on your goaltender is unacceptable. The Blackhawks need to learn how to play defense and play harder in front of Turco AND Crawford.

Friday, December 10, 2010

This is a Corey Crawford Appreciation Blog

The Blackhawks are playing the Sharks again tomorrow night at 7:30pm my time (9:30pm CST). Corey Crawford is starting, and is looking for his 8th straight win in net. Did anyone think this was even possible at the beginning of the season? I can't stress enough how pleasant a surprise Corey Crawford is. Every time he's in the net, I'm taken aback. I love Turco, too, but Crawfish sure is making me like him more and more every time he plays. I guess it doesn't help that he's a "cute hockey boy," either.

Photo Credit:
I don't know if it's been announced whether Niitty or Niemi will be playing for San Jose tomorrow, but I think it's obvious who the choice should be.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas Shenanigans

Throughout my life, I've caught my dad watching porn when he, and little Mel, were most unsuspecting. Every time a girl's ass is shown on television, my dad would say, "OH BABY." Actually, he had me go up into the attic once to try and find his military pictures from Germany, but I stumbled across his fetish porno videos instead. Ahem. He's also got a hardcore affinity for Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Well, my dad's turning 56 on Christmas, so I thought it would be fun to buy him a real Christmas present as well as a joke birthday present. There's nothing like a good porno to make you feel 21 again, eh?

I'm finally 18 years old, so I decided to take advantage of my awesome 43% employee discount at Borders to buy my dad a motorcycle-themed porn magazine. My co-workers were giving me shit for it (as expected), and the customers behind me were wide-eyed and horrified that little redheaded Mel would be buying a hardcore porn magazine. Quite frankly, it made me laugh, both because I was embarrassed and because it was pretty funny.

I got to walk 5 miles home with a South Park kit and my dad's porn magazine. I had to leave the bag outside when I went to use the restroom in one of the stores on my way home, and I can only imagine what their reactions must have been when their curiosity got the best of them. Oh, man.

My dad's REAL present are two seasons of 'Tales from the Crypt' on DVD. He absolutely LOVES that show. I got my mom the first season of Parenthood on DVD, and I even got myself a few things. I also bought my best friend's presents. Most of my friends won't let me buy them things (especially my online ones), so I'm going to draw special pictures for each person that they can print out and frame or burn or whatever they want to do with it.

My best friend is getting one of the best joke gifts ever, because I'm serious when I'm giving it to her. Since she reads this blog, CK, no, it's not a vibrator.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

For the Holidays

For the holiday season, I decided to change my traditional Twitter name from "xDontToewsMeBro" to "HoHoHossa." Many people have asked me what "HoHoHossa" was a reference to, which astounds me because I thought it was obvious. But I guess I should explain.

You know that big fat guy dressed in red that comes down our chimneys on Christmas? You know, Santa? He says, "Ho ho ho," right? Well, my Twitter name is a play off of that. Ho ho Hossa. Get it now? Awesome.

In other news, Hossa's apparently been put on IR. We called up Morin and Klinkhammer (aka Colonel Klink), and I'm excited to see Burish again. Corey Crawford is playing tonight against Dallas instead of Marty Turco.

This is an awesome blog post by Pierre LeBrun on Cross Checks Blog regarding Marty Turco.
Thanks to Kat (Subtle like Seabrook) for posting the link.