(inspired by JohnSu)
Patrick Kane ran very quickly down the tunnel to where the flaming fire was coming from. While running, he jumped into the air and did a Power Ranger-like somersault so he could dodge the fire lasers.
At the top of the 200-level, he stood up and shouted at the top of the 200-level, "MURDERSAURUS!" The man with long arms turned slowly and with a flash of his skates removed Patrick Kane's nipples from his bare chest.
"OW THAT HURTS," Patrick Kane cried as he derped. "I will need the power of the Playoff Mullet for this opponent!" and he raised a bottle of Jack Daniel's and began drinking. His nipples were still bleeding.
Suddenly, a light emerged from the bottle of Jack Daniel's and summoned all of the Legendary Pokemon in the world together, and they fused together into a Yu-Gi-Oh! monster called Epic Seven-Headed Dragon That Is Also Invincible and shot a giant hockey puck at MURDERSAURUS.
MURDERSAURUS' hefty laugh bounced it back, and it hit the Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Oh! thing in the face, causing him to step on No-Nipples Patrick Kane. "Oh shit, this is bad," said Patrick Kane. "We might need to call upon that person, Yu-Gi-Oh!/Pokemon thing!"
"Yes," the monster agreed, and it used its 7 physic dragon balls to make a wish. "SEND US THE GINGER ONE!" As MURDERSAURUS slowly descended to finish them off.
Just then, a light appeared. It was a bright light, one much like heaven might look like. The Ginger One named Mel descended from the moon on rocket powered moon shoes with an attractive hockey player on each arm. When she landed, there was a chorus of angels and the universe serenaded her with an epic fanfare that could rival that of Americans. She then brushed her hair back dramatically and said, "'Sup."
"Who are you" said MURDERSAURUS and he threw a ninja star at the speed of light at The Ginger One. The Ginger One turned and winked at the star, and the bright light and pure awesome radiating from her freckles instantly dissolved it into normal household dust. She then coughed, as she is an asthmatic.
"Pretty good," said MURDERSAURUS. "But you are not going to win." He then transformed into Super Saiyan 4 Ninja Turtle MURDERSAURUS. "Take this!" he screamed as he flew towards The Ginger One named Mel. Mel flexed a single muscle, generating an amazing WOMANWAVE of awesome gingerness that overpowered Super MURDERSAURUS and sent him flying into space, forever frozen in defeat.
"Thank you for saving the planet," said the mayor of Earth. "You are so strong and confident and cool."
"I know," The Ginger One replied and jumped back to the moon with her moon shoes after bringing Abraham Lincoln back from the dead.